Christmas time with the FAMILY

I love coming back to Chicago to spend Christmas time with my family.  Growing up, post divorce, Christmas eve was always spent with Dad.  We did the late night mass, gift opening (Santa always came while we at church... still not sure how Dad pulled that on off) and dinner.  Then we all loaded into the car and drove back to Mom's.  Christmas morning was spent opening gifts from Santa then then afternoon and evening was spent at Grandma's with Mom's entire family.  I loved every minute of it.  Then early the next day we were shipped off back to Dad's to fly to either California or Texas to spend the next week or so with Dad's family.

I am happy to say that in my 28 years I have yet to miss a Christmas Day back home in Chicago, even with living in Iowa for almost 9 years and now being down in Texas.  There were a few years there when I thought that it was not going to happen, and twice when I was driving all night long to get there after getting off work at 11pm on Christmas eve.  It is more important to my mom I think than to me, Christmas is her holiday, but that is okay with me.  I enjoy the time spent with my family, I know strange right but I really do.  I have come to realize with age that my big loving family that I grew up with thinking was totally normal is actually an anomaly.  Most families don't hangout together like we do, don't have impromptu get together's just because we like to spend time with each other and are not as close as sisters/brothers with their cousins.

Last year we had an ugly sweater contest and every year with out fail we have a wrapping paper fight followed by the Beck version of "scene it"  (we so should have put a patent or copy write on that years ago we have been playing for as long as i can remember)  This year things were a little different.  Grams was not feeling up to hosting after feeling run down from doing Thanksgiving and so Christmas was at my Uncle Jeff's. Let me tell you I was not okay with this, it just didn't seem right to not be going to Grandma's but I was looking forward to seeing everyone and spending time with the babies.  Due to so many people in the family being Bears (DA BEARS) fans and a few Packers fans (they all married in) we decided to dress up to cheer on our team.  It was very convenient of the NFL to have the Bears vs Packers game on Christmas day

After the game about 9 of us piled into my brothers Explorer and went to go see the new Sherlock Holmes movie. It was a good time, but to me it still just did not feel like Christmas with it not being at Grandma's house.  Some traditions are too special to change and I am sad to see that this one has.

Cousins plied into the 3rd row back seat of the explore on the way to the movies

Happy Holidays all!

Sláinte,

Kat

Things I want to make into Habbits

Staying in touch with those I care about

• each week write and e-mail to some one back home
• make a phone call or text to a loved one on a slow evening or on the weekends

Paying my bills in a timely manner with out the "oh crap is that over due" panic near the end of each month

Working out daily

• Find a routine that works for me and stick with it
• Workout with a buddy to keep me from talking myself out of (I am really good at this)

Going running with Gunner after dinner every night

Eating better & really watching my portion control

• Make a plate then put 1/2 of it away for lunch before I even start to eat

Doing my face wash routine evening & morning with out fail ... I am not getting any younger!

Getting up early enough to workout so my blood gets going so I am not slacking my first hour at work

• Just some thing quick and easy to get me moving before work

Doing my hair and makeup before work every day, even if its not seen under the hair net. 

Balance my checkbook & use my register after every purchase with my debit card

Sliante,

Kat

So its been a while, but I have been busy

So I know its been awhile since I posted anything, I have been super busy at work with a new project.  I was excited to learn that I was being extended through this project (I am still a temp but hoping to be hired on) and they was offered another project after this. My boss left with the parting words "at this rate I may keep you busy till next January."  I was hopeful but less than a week later those dreams were shattered.  My boss came in for an update on my project and told me that his boss was wanting to know when I would be done because he wanted to see the temps (me and another guy down the hall) gone soon.  So no I only have till the 24th of January and so I have been updating my resumes and prowling the classifieds for a new job. 

My project has been going along well, I have been juggling it as well as my regular daily duties well.  Then i get hit with a baseball bat upside the head.  My original deadline had been the 15th of January, I find out wednesday Dec 21st (2 days before the plant shuts down till Jan3rd) that they now want it done by Jan 6th!! and since I don't get back from Chicago till the 4th that gives me just 2 more days to work on it.  I am SCREWED!! I had really been hoping that doing well on this project would led to more, and maybe a full time position as they are still technically still one Quality Specialist short but it does not look like that will be the case when I fail to me my deadline.  And with the plant being shut down its not like I can even go in and work on it at all before I fly to Chicago.  Well her is to hoping that I don't get one of these as soon as I turn in my project.

So aside from being busy at work I have also been fighting a cold and trying to find a new place to live.  Have I ever mentioned before how much I HATE moving!! I really had no intention of moving around once getting to Texas, but now thanks to a very rude and unprofessional leasing agent we (my roommates and I) are out of a place to live come February. So once again my house is going to look like a disaster as I put my life into boxes, sorting what to keep and what is not worth trucking on down the road.

Sliante,

Kat

Why Women Cry

I did not write this, I just found it to be very heart warming. I hope you all enjoy as well.

Why Women Cry?

A little boy asked his mother, why are you crying? "Because I'm a woman", she told him.
"I dont understand", he said. His mom just hugged him and said" And you never will".
Later the little boy asked his father, "why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason", was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to GOD. When GOD got on the phone, he asked, "GOD why do women cry so easily?"
GOD said "When I made the woman she had to special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her and inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take take of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his ribs to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strength and her resolve to stand beside him unfaltering. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed." "You see my son," said GOD, the beauty of a women is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a women must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her hear- the place where LOVE resides."

My newest addiction... Pinterest

So I know its been a while since I have posted.  This is due in part to my newest addiction, thanks to my roomie....  Pinterest

OMG if you have not already heard about it click the link and head on over I promise you will love it too.  Well unless you are a strait guy then maybe not so much, but it is so addicting.  I can't help but keep clicking "see more pins" just one more time.

I have gotten ideas for my brother & sister in law's Christmas gifts as well as my mothers off here and its been great as I am super broke this holiday season.  I went a little overboard on my self with black Friday shopping.  I think I will actually return some of the items as I am having buyers remorse.  Its not that I don't the items, I do really want them, but I know the I don't need them. And even though I got them on sale at a great price I am struggling to justify it in this economy especially while I have such a small amount in my savings at the moment.

Okay back to Pinterest  it is an online pin board to share your ideas.  What is so great about it is that you can have multiple boards going at the same time.  I have some for the following:

Recipes to try: because I love to cook, especially for others as I love to entertain.

Books worth reading: I can always get lost in a book! I asked for a kindle fire for Christmas and my brother Kegner replied "OMG we are going to save a rain forest"

Places I have gone & want to still: I LOVE to travel, and I want to see the world

My 30 by 30: kinda self explanatory it is my list of to do's that I want to accomplish by the time I am 30 represented here to share with you.

My Bucket List: Pretty much the same as above.

My Style: fashion, hair and beauty that suit me :)

Quotes & Inspiration:  because others can and always will say it better than myself as I am awful with words.  This is one of my favorite boards so far.

Fitness:  This is a bunch of different work outs to try, because it is time to get healthy again,.  And come January upon my return from the holidays back home with the family I am going to start hitting it hard!  I have my roommie as a partner to help keep me on track, which is good because I am a huge procrastinator. 

For the Home: This is my dream home in the works, eventually I will build it.  I am sure it will be a slow and painful process (kinds like getting back into shape) but it too will be worth it!

Well I hope you all enjoy Pinterest as much as I do.  If you want a quick look around my head feel free to click any of the board titles as they are links to my board and you can see what I have posted.  

Till next time. Happy Holidays

Sliante,
Kat

Dear, you

Its like there is a hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.  It seems I left a part of it with you, and as you have so suddenly & completely cut me from your life I am floundering.  You have been for years now the one I go to when I am lost and confused I don't know what to do who to talk to how to go on.  I know that sounds pathetic but in the last few years you became a staple in my life.  You were always around, in back ground click click clicking away at your keyboard.  Even after I moved you were still there, we still talked daily. Even about things I had been to scared to bring up before then. I think the distance gave me the courage to be totally open and honest, as to why you opened up I can't say. It warmed my heart that you did so, but now with out a word as to why your gone.  

Its getting a little bit easier every day to put a smile on my face.  I have almost gotten to the point where I don't reach for the phone multiple times a day to text or call you about something funny that just happened or with a question because I always valued your input & your never ending ability to use logic to talk me out of my tirades. It still seems so strange to me that although you are technically just a text or call away things aren't the same. Some nights I lay awake trying to figure out what I did wrong that drove you away. But you know what I didn't do anything wrong! You made the choice to cut me out of your life. You made the choice to not respond to my calls or text messages, so I stopped trying. I have always, and still am for now, been here for you but you obviously don't feel the need to do the same for me. I think soon I may be able to, or may need to for my own well being, delete your number from my phone so that it is no longer a constant temptation.  

Thanksgiving and Family ... what do they mean to you?

So I have been hosting Thanksgiving for my family for years.  It has been my holiday, the family has come out to Iowa to see me during that time, and I cook the whole sch-bang the night always ends with spiced (heavily) cider and beer pong.  Lately though my brothers fiance and now wife has been attempting to steal it from me.  It started about 3 years ago when we had to push back the date of my thanksgiving because she could not get off work but yet she was able to cook for everyone on Thursday before coming out to Iowa on Friday night (after work) for mine on Saturday of course they had to leave again right away on Sunday morning because she had plans back home.  Then the following year she could not make it at all with her work schedule so just my brother and mom came out on Friday night (again after work) but they all had Thursday (Thanksgiving day) dinner with Jessica first.  I was really upset this year because my mom and I had plans to do a lot of shopping and around town on Sunday, I had taken then entire weekend off to spend with my family, but Saturday afternoon Jessica was already calling and wanting to know when my brother would be home so bright and early on Sunday morning 7am early my bother loads up the truck and takes him and my mom back to Illinois because Jessica was missing him and didn't like having to sleep with out him next to her! seriously I get a whooping 30 hours with my family!!  Then this last year none of my family even bothered to come out.  My mom was telling me about how she needed to stop at my bothers for their dinner before coming out to Iowa and she wasn't sure what time she was going to leave and if she was going to bring anyone with her for the drive (she likes her  15 safety zone and that's it) so I eventually just told her not to bother coming out at all.  My youngest brother who lives in Texas drove up and surprised me but he was the only family that came to my Thanksgiving dinner that year.  This year is the first time I will not cook a Thanksgiving dinner in nearly 12 years.  I am going to Houston to spend the day with my dad and his family.  I did invite my mom, brothers and sister in law down to Texas for the holiday (since its mine and all) but of course none of them could make it.  I have finally decided to stop fighting it, if they don't want to see me that's fine I am not going to put in the effort.

Now don't get me wrong my family still means the world to me and I love them dearly but I am sick of being disappointed by them so I figure if I don't put myself out there to be let down there is less of a chance for them to hurt me. I have not seem my dad or his family in a long while as I barely saw them a the wedding last month and before that it had been years so it will be nice to catch up.'

So what about you all, what are your family holidays like? Your families?

Sláinte,

Kat

My weekend trip back to Iowa

So I spent a quick weekend back home (Yes Iowa is still HOME in my ♥).  It was great to see everyone!  It really made me realize how much I miss having so many friends close by. 

My weekend started out with an early morning trip to the airport thanks to my roommate Sam and her BF Fern.  I few out of San Antonio at 6am, landed in DesMoines at 9:15am.  Xavvov picked me up and gave me a lift back to Ames.  He dropped me off at the salon to get my hair done then he went to class.  I figured while I was in Ames I would go back to my regular salon since I was making such a big change to my hair.  It by the way turned out horrible, I totally HATE it.

After my hair appointment Xavvov picked me up again and we had lunch from the Bali, OMG have I missed Indonesian food! It was amazing. 

My good friends Lauren (whom I miss to pieces) then picked me up at 2:30pm for our epic night at the movies!! So let me give you a little back ground here.  Since the second Twilight movie [New Moon] came out Lauren and I have gone to the midnight premier and in Ames they have done them marathon style so when we went to see New Moon first we saw Twilight at 9pm followed by the New Moon midnight premier!  Lauren and I also went and saw all 3 in a row when Eclipse came out and now YES all 4 in a row. I was so excited!

The movies started at 4pm, we arrived at the theater at 2:45pm and we did not leave until a little after 2am.  We each had large satchel purses with goodies, a blanket (you know how cold the theaters get) and a book to read in between the movies.  Lauren packed all kids of snacks: Cheetos, M&M's, puppy chow even chips & queso.  I got the drinks: water and Monster, Mike n Ikes and 2 foot long Subway sandwiches.
We had such a great time.  There was a very nice couple a few rows ahead of us that we made friends with. The theater had grab bag give-a-ways and trivia games in between each movie.  Needless to say it was a great night.
I spent the following afternoon and evening visiting with other friends and getting caught up on everyone lives.  I miss having everyone so close, but it was good to see that most everyone still wanted to see me and catch up.  There were a few people who i thought would come out that didn't but those who did more than made up for it.  My last night in town we all went out to Old Chicago like old times and just spent the evening enjoying each others company.  One of my friends Adriana told me that she misses these nights  that since I left no one bothers to get everyone together any more.  I made me feel good to know that my presence had been missed.

Sláinte,

Kat

Question #15

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

A part of me wants to say "hang out with family" but that is not something that I do differently but something that my whole family does that is out of the norm as we actually enjoying spending time with one another. So I am trying to think of something that just I do that is distinctive of me.

hmmm... this is a tough one.

Mainly I think because if it is something that I do its "normal" for me and so I don't think of it as being different.

Well one thing I can think of off hand is that my body temp runs a bit hotter than most people especially at night. Xav used to say that sleeping next to me was like curling up next to a furnace. I think this is a side effect of my bad thyroid but I am not 100% sure. Due to this I tend to keep the bedroom windows open even in the winter time, if I am hot at night I can't sleep.

I also tend to do for people for the simple reason that I think it will make them happy. I don't stop to think about the effect it will have for me or the cost. Things just tend to pop into my head "oh this will make so and so happy" and so I buy it or do it. The downfall of this trait is that I tend to expect others to act in a similar manner. Do things with out being asked because it will make me/others happy with no reward for themselves and it doesn't' happen because people are primarily selfish creatures. Then I get all sad and disappointed in them for not having completed some task when in reality I never actually asked them do it I just expected them to do it on their own because I would have done it for them.

I think this is a trait that others exhibit as well but not often. Most often you see selfishness and people being just to lazy to do for others with nothing in return for them.

Until Next Time


XOXO~ Kat

Question #14

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

I believe that many really great artists are at some point in their lives considered to be mentally unstable or "insane" as it were, and sadly many are not truly appreciated until after they are gone.

In my line of work I see a lot of crazy, almost every day in fact. Yet I can say with total honesty that I have also seen some of these people create beautiful and delightful things. People with mental illness often see the world a bit differently, and they often use art as an outlet for their frustrations or as a calming balm to their otherwise hectic and troubled world. I unfortunately have never seen someone in the midst of a truly insane moment where creativity was the outlet or result, only aggression. But it is the knowledge that those moments do exist and the desire to help clients to find them is what keeps me doing what I do.

I did have an entire wall in my home in Iowa that was covered in drawings, paintings and artwork given to me by clients over the years. Some of it was wonderful, others mediocre, and yet more still were an unintelligible mash of colors and mediums but all of it was beautiful to me as it was symbol of hope and a creation of happiness that I helped to foster in these children's lives.

Sliante,

Kat

Question #13

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

This first thing that comes to mind when I read this questions is: what law? But once I stop and think again, I realize that it does not really matter. If you would break one then the answer to the question is yes, is it not. So Yes I would break the law to protect a loved one. I can't say in what situation I would deem it necessary to do so, because I have yet to be tested. But I can say I would put the well being of myself and my loved one above the law. Now I must stipulate that I am looking at this at the perspective of saving their life, as in they are being threatened in some way. I am not saying that I would for instance commit perjury and lie on the stand to get a loved one out of jail time if they had done something illegal. That is not something I would do. I can't say for certain anything else I would or would not do because as I said before I have not yet been put in a situation where it was necessary for me to have to act in an illegal manner.

Hope you are enjoying the mind bending questions as much as I am.

Sliante,

Kat

A need to vent...

Definition of Venting: A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet: give vent to one's anger.

or to express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully. 

I know that I told you all I would spend this weekend getting caught up on my 50 questions series, but this has been on my mind and I have not been able to get around it, so I am going to let it all out, VENT, in hopes that I will walk away with a clearer mind so that I will be able to proceed with out distraction.  

I'm hurt, ANGRY, sad and miserable. Hurt because I was promised we'd always be best friends, No matter what. Promised that I would not be forgotten and that no one, not even a girlfriend would come between our friendship.  Angry because then I got shut; out totally and completely.  We went from speaking every day for nearly 5 years to nothing, nada, zilch, ZERO. I have been excommunicated, treated like I never even existed in the first place. I am sad because I lost one of the best friends I ever had, lost the one who brought clarity to my random and misshapen thoughts. But I am hurt & miserable more than anything. Seriously, more than anything. I feel defeated because I tried and was just shot down and shut out every time when in the end all I wanted was your friendship. I am happy for you, I want you to have a happy long life even if that means me not being in it, just as I hope you want the same for me. There really isn't a lot else to say, I am a bit lost with you. This isn't magically going to get better overnight, hell it's been a month now and it still hurts like it was yesterday that you stopped taking my calls. I've put myself out there only to get rejected, lied to and hurt. If it's important to you like it is to me then maybe someday you will see the light. If not, then I wish you all the best, and I mean that with my whole heart, even if it's a broken one.

 

Question #12

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Find what makes you happy because happiness in life, in the end is all that matters.  

Until Next Time

XOXO ~ Kat

Halloween .... I missed you

So Halloween, Samhain, All Hallows Eve what ever you call it is my favorite holiday. I go all out; decorate the entire house, the yard everything. And the day after I go shopping so I have more decorations for the next year! 

The Foyer

The Dinning Room

This year with the move down to Texas I did not do anything to celebrate, all my decorations are in storage at my dad's farm in Illinois.  It made me super sad.  I missed having my house all decorated, passing out candy and dressing up for my party.  

I am a wood Fairy but my wings were taken off as they were hitting people.

I hosted a Halloween party for the past 5 years back in Iowa.  I would decorate the house, make all kinds of spooky goodies to eat and have all my friends over for a fabulous time. Two years ago we even had my computer hooked up to the TV in the living room so we were able to youtube different music all night; we even all danced to the Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This year I didn't do anything.  I stayed home and played WoW during the day, where as if I had been in Iowa I would have been cooking and cleaning all day.  I purchased candy but no kids showed up for trick or treating which was disappointing as I live in a fairly populated neighborhood.  Halloween evening I fell asleep while watching a movie so did not even go to the neighbors Halloween party until after midnight at which point I was too lazy to dress up.  I had a costume for a Saloon Girl.  Most of the people I knew at the party were already passed out by the time I got over there so I only stayed for about an hour.  No one was in costume so I was glad that I did not dress up before going out.  All in all it was a very dissatisfying day.  It has made me miss home.  More so that I have felt since I moved and that coupled with the bestie still not talking to me made for a pretty depressed me.  

I hope you all had a good time with what ever you did for the Celebration of Samhain.

Till Next Time

XOXO - Kat

Slacking 101

So I could totally teach that class,  I am so easily off task and doing something I shouldn't be its ridiculous.  So I have been super preoccupied with in the in-game event All Hallows Eve with wow but it ends to day Soooo.... this weekend I promise to get caught up on my questions and tell you a bit about my life here in Seguin.

BBQ Texas style

Today the girls and I had the neighbors and some friends over for a BBQ.  It was nice to entertain again, it is something I have missed having people around socially.  

My neighbor Mike taught me a recipe to make home made BBQ Sauce to go along with out meal.

Ingredients:

• 2 Tbs. vegetable oil
• 1 onion, finely chopped
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 1 1/2 cups ketchup
• 1/2 cup cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
• 1/3 cup sugar
• 1 Tbs. chili powder
• 1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper (or more if you like it hot!)

Directions:
Prepare all the ingredients so chop the onions and mince the garlic.
Heat up the oil on medium heat in a saucepan. Add the onion and garlic and cook for about 5 minutes, gently stirring. Add the ketchup, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, sugar, chili powder and cayenne (use more cayenne if you like it hotter).
Reduce the heat and simmer, partially covered, until the sauce has thickened slightly, about 20 to 30 minutes. Makes around 2 1/2 cups.

The Grill :)

Question #11

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

Wow this is a tough one.  There is the way I want to answer, you know the way that I know is morally right, but then there is the the nature of gossip.  I really always try hard not to get caught up in it, but some times its so easy to sit and listen. While you are there listening there is that little voice in your head telling you, wow your life is not so bad comparison to theirs or well at least I don't have that going on in my life.  I can say with honesty that I have always minimized my continuation of gossip, but I do tend to listen ... just not tell it over again. I think that I would most likley listen to see the direction of the topic as well as the source of it. I would then interject with things that I know to be the truth about my friend as well as the unreliablity of the source and the distasteful nature of gossip.  

Question #10

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

I think that I am more worried about doing the right things. My friends have always called me the "conscious" of the group. By this they mean I always try to keep everyone in line and stop them/us from getting too out of control and doing something stupid that we would regret later. This is not to say that I don't have fun while I am out, I do! but I also tend to keep a clearer head that some of my other more rambunctious friends.

I want to do things right as well; but that is not always the case, so I tend to lean more to the just don't say anything at all so you don't rock the boat philosophy. This has had its perks and its drawbacks for me and is actually something that I have been totally rethinking lately, especially in regards to my personal life.
Professionally I think I will stick with the "keep my mouth shut" routine so I don't get fired again. :/

I have not always done the "right" thing and it has always weighed heavily on me when I have steeped over to the dark side for a night or two. I hate myself for having compromised my values, even if it was for the one I love. Mainly because he proved to be undeserving of said love, but also because it made me no better than those who had wronged me before.

But mainly I act like I do because I think doing something the wrong way is usually an easier and much less painful fix than having done wrong all together.

Question #9

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I can say with some honestly that I have not put forth much effort to steer the course of my life until recently. I have pretty much just gone with the flow of things, letting my interactions & relationships with other have a resounding effect on my life decisions.  For instance, I had always said that I was going to move to a large city (like New York, Atlanta or San Diego) after graduating from collage to life for a year just to say I did it.  To say that I survived living in a big city that is as I am from the county and it was/is truly questionable if I could.  Yet while in college I met Xavvov and fell in love, and since he was younger than me I stayed in Ames (where we went to college) waiting for him to graduate college rather than going off to a big city.  Yet when things ended for us, I had already established a career for my self in Ames as well as friend and a home so I didn't leave.  I stayed because it was familiar, comfortable and had no risk involved.  that is the key right there I think, I am afraid to take the risk to do something new.  That is why me packing up and moving to Texas came as such a shock to me and some of my other friends & family as well I think.  Tyhp seemed blown away that I was actually going to leave, well him.  I have regrets as far back as high school about the way I let other people control the things that I did, that I was not strong enough to stand up for myself.  I have just recently (last few days recent) decided that my usual stance of keeping my mouth shut/being polite and respectful needs to stop.Now I am and not saying I am going to start being a huge bitch and treating everyone I encounter with disrespect or disdain but some times things needs to be said and in the past I have let a lot of things slide because I don't want to upset the other party involved but it has always ended with me being used, manipulated or taken advantage of and I am fucking sick of it!! So watch out everyone, I am (well going to try to) take life by the horns and control my own destiny. 

Question #8

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I think that I would go out and do more, meet more people, be more active and see more of the world.  It is something I want to do any way, especially the travel part but I keep saying "maybe next year" or "well I need to save up more money first."  Of course with those things comes the inevitable crisis that takes up most or all of that savings.  I would hope that I would also learn to cherish those around me more, and not let friendships fade over time.

Question #7

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

This question intrigues me and think I have to say a little bit of both.  I like to think that I living my life by my values and beliefs (although I have fucked a few of those up recently but that is for another time), but I also know that I always expected more out of life.  And I am not really doing anything about going out there and getting that "more" I am kind of just living the life I have found my self in due to circumstances that have been some what out of my hands. 

Recently I have begun to question a lot of the preconceived notions I had about where my life is going & where I will end up.  I honestly don't know if I believe in love and happily ever after any more.  Now let me explain here for a second what I mean by "happily ever after", no I don't think a prince is going to come and sweep me off my feet to a beautiful castle and things will be just wonderful for the reminder of my life.  I know that love and relationships take work.  Lots of hard work to keep them alive and strong.  I am okay with that and will to put in the effort but the other half needs too as well.  I believe (or used to) that marriage was a team effort where two people were partners in life, helpmates, friends & lovers.  Now I think people just get comfortable and settle down then so they don't feel lonely.  The "love" you see in the movies and read about in books, it does not exist.  You can give your self heart, body and soul to someone and they will just turn their back on you and walk away like you never even existed.  I am slowly becoming resigned to my fate as a single girl who will never be married or have a family of her own. Not that the family thing was always my desire, only once in my life have I ever felt that I wanted to have kids, and not just have kids but have his kids.  It was crazy to me to feel that way as previous to that my entire life I had never even been interested in children of my own, at all.  Even when I was a little kid playing house with cousins I didn't ever talk about kids of my own. So that tells me that for me at least it was the real deal but it like all my other attempts at finding the one failed.  People tell me there are other fish in the sea and maybe some day I will cast my line out again but for now I am content (which is sad) to just let my pole sit and bob at my side with no bait on the hook.  So in the end I guess I am settling for what I am doing.

Question #6

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Being a house wife, even one with out kids.  I love to make the people I love happy.  I do for others simply because it will make them smile or make things easier on them.  Yes I tend to be disappointed because the same is never done in return for me but I can't seem to stop myself.  I would love to be in a relationship with someone who had a good enough job that I could work part time in my field of choice (social work) and not have to count every penny to get by.  To be able to work with kids to try and make their lives better and still be able to make a home for and with someone is my picture of true happiness.

Yeah I did it!

So I passed my test and have received my first sash in 8 Step Praying Mantis Kung Fu.

I am very proud of my self for having accomplished this feat, as I was sure I would not be able to complete the endurance portion of the testing.  I wish I still had my best friend to share in the celebration as he is the one to bring me into the art in the first place but he is no longer talking to me :( not really sure why. 

Anyway the test was as follows:

Bow in, begin endurance portion:

25 rocking push ups (aka the devil)

25 frog jumps

10 military push ups

100 of each of 8 punches

50 sit ups

25 leg lifts

20 hold of every stance in both directions.  

This completes the endurance portions

Material portion:

1st, 2nd & 3rd body coordination done at least 2xs (correctly) on both sides (so at least 4 times total)

1st. 2nd & 3rd kicking combination done at least 2xs (correctly) on both sides

quick succession of the transition between all 8 stances and then close and bow out.

This completes the testing of yellow sash ... and I did it!!

 My sash and certificate!

I honestly believed that I was going to face plant on my last rocking push up my arms were wobbling so bad I was not sure I would make it back up before they gave out.  I am glad that I have continued to learn the art even thought I moved and have begun training under a new sifu.  I do struggle at times with the changes in teaching methods but I hope to continue as long as I don't get too far behind.

Question #5

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
The media

Question #4

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I truly don't know how to answer this one.  Will I tell others that I have accomplished more that I really have? or Will I have talked the talk but never walked the walk??  I guess I could answer both ways, although could be totally misinterpreting the questions completely...

Will I tell others I have accomplished more than I have?
I would like to say that I truly would not do this, but then everyone tends to over expound on their accomplishments and I know I have been guilty of this in the past.  I can say that I have never taken credit for someones work, but maybe said I put more into something than I did.  I have had my ideas taken by another coworker and talked up as their own and I found that hurtful and so I have always endeavored to not make someone else feel that way. 

Question #3

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

 societal pressures & the media

Question #2

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Wow this is a tough one I have done both and they both suck!  Upon retrospection I would have to say never trying is worse.  Then you are left with all the "what if's" that plague you forever vs an experience to learn from. 

questions to free your mind

I got this idea from Marc & Angel Hack Life and I have decided to run with it.  I will post a question each day and answer it... I hope.  I can be a pretty big procrastinator as you all know.  I am doing this as part of my personal goal to get my life on track and to live for me.  I know I said that a while back but it has NOT been easy.  It is far simpler for me to fall back into old habits and put others needs/wants/desires ahead of my own.  I find it easier to do for others, making them happy, than it is for me to do for myself. 

I was proud of myself at least once in the last few weeks for putting me first.  I went back up north for my brothers wedding and spent a few days visiting my Iowa friends (miss you already guys!) and was blown off by Typh on Monday, the day he told me to set aside to hang with him, for another girl.  He then wanted to do something on Tuesday.  Normally I would have done so regardless of another plans I had just to see and be with him but I told him "No, I have lunch & dinner plans with some other friends.   You told me to set aside Monday and I did.  You chose to not see me but got out for coffee with Emily."  I could not belive I had it in me to do that!

Anyway back on track.  Today's question is: How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

I feel that I have always been older than my age, I was always the motherly figure of the group even though I had no desires to be a mother myself. I have never partied hard or been the out of control one, I have often been tagged the "conscious of the group."  I threw some fantastic parties though!!  I think if I didn't know my age I would have to put myself at 30.  Old enough to know better but still young enough to have fun and occasionally not care! I know I am fast approaching that age personally and it scares me a bit to find my self so alone but hopefully with a bit of work on ME I will be more ready and willing to put myself out there to get over Typh and find Mr. Right.  I am not and have never been the type to feel incomplete with out a man in my life but I do enjoy the perks of being in a relationship. 

Equal Opportunity Racist???

So growing up and living the first my first two and 1/2 decades in the Midwest has lead me to believe that I was a fairly non-racists person. Until recently that is, and I don't know how to feel about?!? I mean yes I have laughed at the jokes here and there but understood them to be simply that a joke based on stereotypes and have not judged every one I have meet based on those stereotypes but let my self come to conclusions about them as a person based on their interactions with me not the color of their skin, their height, sex, sexual preference or the language they speak. That is not to say that I have not come across those people who so obviously fit the stereotypes right off but I have never disliked a person by what they look & act like, words are simply that words with no meaning unless acted upon. Actions are what you should watch for as words can lie, actions let you see the heart of the person. So with this in mind I have (apparently blissfully) walked through life interacting with others as seemed fitting my values and the situations at hand. Then a brick was dropped on my head and I was accused multiple times of being a racist! I didn't know how to respond, this was said to me by a new friend who happens to be from Africa. Now to let you into the scenario our interactions are via the phone, texting, gaming or internet as he is in school 1/2 way across the country at this time. He continually takes statements that I say and twists them into having negative connotations. I in no way have meant them to be seen as a slur to anyone, but my question now is Am I really being demeaning and just not realizing it or are my statements being taken in the worst possible way??


Now I have put a lot of thought into this and I have come to the conclusion that I am not a racist but I do however have strong opinions and they maybe, if the person does not know me well, be taken in a negative light. I do not how ever pick on one social class, race or whatever I have them about everyone! I don't want anyone to feel left out ya know. I don't deny that some of my opinions may be biases and may are likely naive but they are simply my opinion people they are not statements of fact. Feel free to tell me why I am wrong or argue with me about your opinion as well I am totally open to that. If you happen to know a fact that would change my opinion I would love to know that as well! May of my statements that were taken so negatively were actually questions about other cultures, I was curious as to why certain people acted in such a way and asked about it. I personally don't feel that asking a question deserves labeling me as such but what do i know I am just a simple minded white girl who grew up in small town USA.

To enlighten you all here are a few of the questions & opinions I had that got me the label of racists.

• Why do college educated black people still talk to me in Ebonics? 1/2 these people most likely know the English language better than I do, why don't you use it correctly?

• Why do people wear their pants around their knees with their shoes untied? It is NOT attractive to see you grabbing your crotch as you walk to keep your pants from falling around your ankles.

• If you believe America is so much better a place to live and raise your family why do you refuse to speak our language, pay our taxes and become honest citizens? I would love, love, love to live overseas but I would never expect a country to reprint (well everything) in my language because I wanted to live there. I would learn the language of the country I was living in!

Well that is all I can think of for now. If and when I remember more I will update you all. Hope you had a good weekend, and enjoy your week!

Looking Back Volume 1: The beginning in the end!

I guess I will start at the beginning and talk about everything to see if in this process I can figure it all out.
I can't say at what point my feelings for Typh became more than that of friends, but I can say it happened long before I ever ended things with Xav. When it became obvious to me that I had a crush, okay so maybe it was a bit more than a crush on Typh, I should have ended things with Xav I know that.  But we had been together for so long and it was comfortable and safe. 
Plus I knew Typh would never be interested in me, I don't have what many would call the "ideal" body and sadly he is shallow.  Typh and I used to go to breakfast after morning shifts at work and we honestly spent most of the time talking about Xav and I. Typh is very well full of him self and was convinced he could and would figure out why Xav didn't want to/like having sex. It was the down fall of our relationship. I constantly felt rejected and undesired by him which lead to me get upset and easily triggered by things that normally would not have bothered me, or I would have addressed with out getting so angry that I blow up.  I stayed with Xav out of comfort and to hide from what I was feeling for Typh because I knew those feelings would never be reciprocated.
Eventually through these talks and our time spent together at work he became a very good friend then eventually my best friend.  I tried to hide from my feeling, I even helped Typh get a girl he was interested in a few different times truthfully.  It's not that I didn't love Xav, I did maybe still do but after a while there was no passion from him and that eventually killed us.
So now we sit at me ending things with Xav the morning after i nearly gave into desires to fool around with Typh. I ended the rendezvous before it went anywhere but the thoughts and desire to do so was still enough to have my heart break with guilt for what I did. I never told Xav what happened but when he got home that next morning I told him we needed to talk. I told him it just wasn't working for me any more, that it didn't feel like he felt the same about me/us. He agreed and that was the end. It was strange it didn't really hurt. Maybe because in my heart I knew it had been over long before that morning I was just too scared to say it out loud.

Looking back ... Where does that leave me?

Do you ever look back over life, or even a short span of it and wonder why the hell you chose the path you did?!?  I have just recently, and I didn't much like what I saw. So I am going to take some time to look back over the past 2 years in some short stories/situations and see if you all can try to help me figure out where I went so wrong and identify my thinking errors, or the other persons (although I tend to blame myself more than anyone else ... seems simpler that way)  I am hoping that by writing it all out, getting it all out, I will be able to make peace with it and move on.

** I started this post back in July so it will be a long reflection period I talk about**

Canyon Lake

So for my first weekend in Texas it has been great.  I went boating with some family that lives down here.  My cousin YaYa (my roommate) and I met up with our second cousins and spent the day on Canyon Lake.  It was beautiful and those of you who know me well know that I LOVE Love LOVE being out on the water. The water was so blue it was awesome.  I met some family I had never met before and we spent a wonderful day out on the water. 

 Here are some pictures to share my day with you all.

Such a beautiful blue

Boat Dock

Party Cove

me

The Damn

My cousin YaYa

 

Well I'm here Texas I hope your ready for this ...

Hope I am ready for this is more like it!

The day I move its 113 degrees with out the heat index.  Let me tell you unloading a 30ft cattle trailor in that heat was not fun.  Apparently it was a record breaking day ... figures I would move on the hottest friken day ever!

SO ... It's official I have moved, I didn't chicken out and stay in Iowa although let me tell you all it was a close thing.  I won't say that I am happier down here because I am not, but then I was not totally happy in Iowa any more either.  I am getting by, so far, but its only been 2 days.

In Iowa I felt like a stranger in what was my home for over 4 years and had really gotten the impression that I was not wanted.  I know its just me overreacting to past issues that I have but it made the last week or so a bit uncomfortable to say the least.  I feel really bad that I have left a few things behind but I will be back up north for the bro's wedding in a month and finish up. Plus I had to sit by and watch the man I love be with another girl and act like nothing was wrong with that.  I just could not do it any more and remain sane ... well relatively I don't know if you can be in my family and be totally sane. He asked me to stay, God that was the hardest conversation ever ... I cried, of course, and told him that I couldn't stay.  I did have the guts to tell him I love you before I left.  I had never done that before.  Yes he knew, others had felt it necessary to tell him and we had talked about my feelings but I had never spoken the words "I love you" out loud to him.  I wish that conversation had not been cut off but it was so I never got a real response from him (Thanks Quazy (littlest brother)) guess his response with always be a mystery what if for me.

I have had my first quasi fight with the new roommate (YaYa) two alphas in one house ... not sure how this is going to work out.  She is pissed that I had Gunner in my room to sleep at night as she does not want him in the house at all. She actually had the audacity to say to me "well I didn't make you get rid of him" like I would have moved here if I had to!! Some people, I mean really?!?  The problem is that the landlords husband is a bit of a dick and does not want animals and YaYa does not like them either, I told them both that I would transition him to an outside dog but that I would take time and that I was willing to pay the deposit for him.  YaYa has conveniently forgotten that conversation and states "you disrespect me by sneaking him into my house"  

First off : its my house not too, so get used to it

Second: I told you strait up from the moment you invited me down here, and every time that it has been talked about since that he is not an outside dog and to make him one will be a TRANSITION ... as in takes time!! 

But of course I am the bitch and didn't ever tell her that, just like I didn't say to her yesterday "I am going to go to Century21 tomorrow and sign the lease" so when I went today she got all pissy because she has been lying to them and now has to cover her own ass! GRRR

Well this was a giant jumble of thoughts ... hope you enjoy it. LOL  It felt good to get it out :)  Tomorrow I have decreed it a job search day.  I have the internet now (thank goodness I was going nuts) so I can start there and then head out when needed.  Getting a job ASAP is the number 1 priority at this point.

Things that annoy me...

People that live off the system their entire lives never contributing to society themselves and then procreating making more leaches for society. The fact that people who are physically and or mentally unable to care for themselves are able to have children at will drives me crazy!!! Children they will never be able to care for either due to their physical limitations or mental health. These children will then ultimately become wards of the state, where the tax payers will pay for them for their entire childhood and if the mental illness is hereditary their entire life will be paid for by the tax payers. What happened to Darwin's Law of Evolution?? The longer I am in the human services field the more I believe that maybe the Spartans had things right. Yeah I know that makes me a horrid person but I don't honestly know why our society allowed things to progress to the point where people who are unable to tend for themselves are allowed to have children at will?? Children they will never be able to care for on their own. I mean seriously, think about it this way a person must attend classes and obtain a license to do things like go fishing, hunting, drive a car or serve food but anyone can have a child when the responsibilities and consequences a having a child are much greater. I just don't get it!

I am sorry for that rant, but I just needed to get it off my chest. I am sure some people with judge me harshly for this view point but I don't really care. I think that having a child is a huge responsibility and yes it is a "God Given Right" but some people although are created in God's image are not able to function at a high enough level to care for a young child and so should not have one. If society had not reached a point in which people feel that if their child has special needs it is no longer their responsibility as a parent to care for that child, even when the child is an adult (because they still have special needs people) and families were still a functioning unit that helped and supported each other their entire lives then maybe I would feel differently. But I don't because many, I will even venture to say MOST, people/families don't operate that way. Society as whole feels that it is not their responsibility as a person to care but that it is the governmental job to take care of people with special needs. 

Do you people know why severe mental health issues are on the rise? Why there is such a huge increase in the number of people who require constant aid from an outside source and are unable to function on their owns even in their own homes let alone out in society? Because "Society" deemed state and federal mental health facilities as "unacceptable" and "deplorable" and "unethical" so many/most were shut down as funding was cut because people fears upsetting the masses and losing political backing aka campaign $. Now where are these people to live? At least when they were living in a home they were cared for, had others to socialize with and yes were not allowed to procreate. SO these debilitating conditions were not passed on!

Okay well I am done for now.  I apologise if I have seriously offended any of you, but they are just my  opinions so don't think about them too hard.  Okay??  

Side note: Do you know where the work "Okay" came from?  It originated in WWII when the solders would ask each other how their day went they would respond 0 (zero) K meaning Zero Kills that day and it eventually evolved into Okay. 

Sláinte

Kat

Getting lost in a world all my own...

Or rather one of someone else s imagination

I love to read, just ask anyone close to me or who have lived with me.  I have books everywhere, I talked my roommate (Typh) into building me a built in bookshelf in our living room so I could have room to buy more books! Although he has issues with follow through and perfectionism as in it/he always be right so needless to say it never got completed in the the two years he lived with me, although the parts of it are all over my house, until another friend (Woody) was visiting and finished it, well tried to Typh never cut all the pieces apparently and those he did cut were not even!!!  

see how the shelves are crooked & there are not enough to reach to top!!

 ANY WAY that is another story, well kind of, back to my books and new ones I have been reading lately.  I have been reading two different series from an author Karen Moning, she may be my new favorite (sorry Julia Garwood) 

This is my favorite of the Fae series I have read it 3 times already :)

Not only does it have the underlying love story, which you know I love, but it has a ton of Celtic history which I adore; Druids, Fae of both Light and Dark courts, Mystical Hallows of the Tuatha De Danann I mean what more can a girl as for!

There are two series one is the Fever series which follows the life of a MacKayla Lane as she searches for her sisters killer in a foreign city all while learning about her destiny as a sidhe-seer.  All 5 books are her narration of the on going escalation between the human realm in which we live and the hidden realm of the Fae that is here with us but not seen.  The second series is the Highlander series in which many back stories of characters you meet in the Fever series are told.  Unlike the Fever books, each Highlander book is a "stand alone" romance about different couples although there are many shared characters between them all. Although I enjoyed the Highlander series, they are not what I would call "have to read again & again books" but knowing me I will.  The Fever series on the other hand just sucks you in and you can't stop reading.  I am SO SO glad I stumbled on to them after they had all been released, I don't know what I would have done if I had had to wait a year or so for the next book to come out as I have very little patience. 

The best thing I love about reading is that I am able to get lost in a world that is not my own.  For a brief period of time I am able to forget about my issues which sadly are numerous and live in a world of fantasy, magick, love and romance.  Seeing as how I don't have many of those things in my real life its nice to lose myself in them when I can.  

Well I hope you all take the time to check out some of these books, and enjoy them as much as I do.  Comment back and let me know what you think.

Your mission should you choose to accept it ...

Is to move to Texas to get away from all the chaos you have created in your life.  Although truthfully I don't feel that I have done it all on my own I had a ton of help! I first made the decision to move way back in  early January, my cousin had been asking me for nearly a year and my life was some what in shambles so I figured "why the hell not?"

I quickly had second, third and even 4th 5th & 6th thoughts, talking my self out of and back into going many times over in the next few months.   February made it very hard to want to leave Iowa as things began to get better with Typh and I was happily lost in the oblivion of my own fantasies once more.  From just around valentines till st. patty's day I had decided to not go to Texas and to stay in Iowa.  I applied for two different promotions at my new place of work, well new as of November, and began looking at apartments in the Des Moines area.  Then shit hit the fan and my entire world came crashing down around me (more details in a later post) and I once again was firmly on the moving side of the fence.  So Texas here I come .... Hope you are ready for me :)

I will be moving to a small little town called Seguin, which turns out has a ton of family history for the Degner's. Close to San Antonio for job opportunities and only a few hours from Houston which is where my Dad & little bro (Quazy) are living as well as the rest of my Dad's immediate family. We will have a nice 3 bedroom house with a fenced in back yard for Gunner, he is not supposed to be in the house, but I am going to see if I can talk my way around that.  Its so HOT down there and he is a long haired dog, the poor guy!!  I am thinking about getting a job outside of the human services field as I am pretty burnt out right now, bartending would be a nice gig for a while.  I loved it before :) I could also waitress, we will see what happens I will keep you all informed.  

Well that is all I have for now, sorry its been so long.  I have like 10 topics started just not finished or posted in the last few months.  Went a long while with out a computer :(

Tubing! My new favortie thing to do on a sunday afternoon :)

Just remember to wear your sun screen!!

I want to thank my good friend, Army, for introducing to this wonderful activity.  The first time was a year ago at the end of the summer with 2 other friends as we floated down the Skunk River.  We had a fantastic time, even if we did worry significant others with how late we stayed out. One of my friends was super cold as the night closed in on us and kept asking when the trip would be over. Army kept telling her it was around the next bend, "yep just around the next bend" she would then turn to me and say "no not really." LOL

The 4 of us girls on my first ever tubing trip

This summer I went for the first time on the 4th of July weekend with a bunch of friends for the holiday weekend.  It was a paid float down the Des Moines River starting in Boone and ending in Luther.  A big ol yellow bus drove us to the drop off and picked us up at the end it was very convenient.  We stopped at Legends State Park to do some cliff jumping.  I did a few off the shorter cliff was SO NOT brave enough to do the tall one.  Legs did thought, she climbed right up and there with the guys and jumped right off.  Got some sun but nothing bad, it was a good day over all.  

We attempted to go again the following week but sadly we were unable to locate any tubes of our so we would not have to pay the fee this time but it ended up raining all weekend so it was a no go.  

We did end up going several more times, and like my first line states don't forget your sun screen.  Xavvov came long as he had the week off of chemo and although he did apply some it was not enough or not reapplied enough and he got fried :(  poor thing, his doctors were not pleased when he got back to Iowa City.  We had fun thought and in the end its those memories that count.

The baby turtle that was hanging out with us at the sand bar while we waited on Legs who was cliff jumping 

I was lucky enough to squeze in a few more quick trips before I moved, these were all with our own tubes (after they finally arrived a month later!!) so we didn't have to pay any more.  

If you ever get the opportunity to go I really recommend it. If you are in the central Iowa area Seven Oaks is where we did our first two trips with, it reasonable $20 bucks for the day, they supply the tubes and transportation to and from the river. 

Till Next Time

XOXO ~ Kat