Question #7

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

This question intrigues me and think I have to say a little bit of both.  I like to think that I living my life by my values and beliefs (although I have fucked a few of those up recently but that is for another time), but I also know that I always expected more out of life.  And I am not really doing anything about going out there and getting that "more" I am kind of just living the life I have found my self in due to circumstances that have been some what out of my hands. 

Recently I have begun to question a lot of the preconceived notions I had about where my life is going & where I will end up.  I honestly don't know if I believe in love and happily ever after any more.  Now let me explain here for a second what I mean by "happily ever after", no I don't think a prince is going to come and sweep me off my feet to a beautiful castle and things will be just wonderful for the reminder of my life.  I know that love and relationships take work.  Lots of hard work to keep them alive and strong.  I am okay with that and will to put in the effort but the other half needs too as well.  I believe (or used to) that marriage was a team effort where two people were partners in life, helpmates, friends & lovers.  Now I think people just get comfortable and settle down then so they don't feel lonely.  The "love" you see in the movies and read about in books, it does not exist.  You can give your self heart, body and soul to someone and they will just turn their back on you and walk away like you never even existed.  I am slowly becoming resigned to my fate as a single girl who will never be married or have a family of her own. Not that the family thing was always my desire, only once in my life have I ever felt that I wanted to have kids, and not just have kids but have his kids.  It was crazy to me to feel that way as previous to that my entire life I had never even been interested in children of my own, at all.  Even when I was a little kid playing house with cousins I didn't ever talk about kids of my own. So that tells me that for me at least it was the real deal but it like all my other attempts at finding the one failed.  People tell me there are other fish in the sea and maybe some day I will cast my line out again but for now I am content (which is sad) to just let my pole sit and bob at my side with no bait on the hook.  So in the end I guess I am settling for what I am doing.