18/30 Things: Forgiveness
(To get caught up
on 30 Things and know what it is all about start here.)
My inspiration
for this set of posts comes from a great blog called Hopes& Dreams, you should really
check her out.
What is the hardest
thing I have ever had to forgive?
This is a tough question, I think because
so many instances come to mind but they all boil back to the same thing:
unfaithfulness. I don’t know why it
seems to always happen to me, I suppose there is something in me that trigger
men to stray. I would hope not, but what
else could be it, why else would it happen over and over with different guys,
and even at different times in my life.
I had to forgive Zach, time and again. This one I grew from, so much, but only
later. At the time I forgave right away,
wanting to make it right, wanting to fix it even though it was not me who was
at fault, not me who was breaking promises, it was him. I tried to fix it just the same and just kept
going back for more … abuse. In the end
it I had to forgive myself, for being so weak and naïve. It was first love and I wanted so badly for
it to last, for it to be real that I stayed in a relationship that was
unhealthy for me, that was breaking me down, for far too long. He told me years later, that he now has realized
his mistake and that he would love me forever, even though he knew our chance
was long gone. Now a days (this has been
10 years mind you) Zach and I are good friends, he is an “adopted” member of my
family and even takes care of my mom as us kids have all moved so far
away.
Next I had to forgive Kevin and even more
so my best friend Holly. I think the
betrayal from her was worse, it cut so deep.
It was strange how this instance of forgiveness came about, it had been over
a year since we had spoken or even seen each other, since the day after I found
out actually. I had gone to her house
that morning to confront her and after I drove off I did not look back,
couldn’t, the tears were so heavy I could hardly see out the windshield. At this point in time I could not tell you
what triggered my decision that day to forgive her, but it happened none the
less. I had written her a long letter,
explaining my reaction to the news that she had been dating my boyfriend behind
my back. Telling her about how I slowly
pieced my life back together and even what I have been up to since. I told her that I forgave her, and that a guy
who was now my past (as I had also been able to forgive him, and had told him
so several months before t his) was not worth the loss of the friendship/relationship
she and I had once had. Now comes the
crazy part, I did not get a chance to post that letter because that same day,
just hours after writing the letter, SHE called me! Imagine my surprise, there
must have been something in the air that spring because out of nowhere we had
both reach out for each other again.
Next was Tim, but this one was did not take
as much time. It was easier because he
did not actually cheat on me, but left me for a very good friend of mine (whom
never gave him the time of day, because she was happily in a long term
relationship and is now married to her lovely wife) because he was convenience
that he could “make her strait for him”
And lastly I had to forgive Typh. He did not take the longest, but he changed
me the most, and I think was the hardest to forgive. This was because I knew with my whole being
that he loved me, that he loved me just as fiercely as I loved him but he was
not willing to look past that image
of the ideal woman in his head to see
how we were two halves of a whole. Now
don’t get me wrong I made my share of mistakes in this relationship (don’t we
all) but ultimately he crushed me under his heal without a backwards
glance. That is until he realized that
his betrayal made me stronger, strong enough to walk away, Far Far away. It was when I was leaving that he finally realized,
because although he cheated and had begun dating another girl to him I was
still on the back burner, I was still his safety net to fall back on when this
dalliance, this current infatuation eventually puttered out. Because they all did/do with Typh. See Typh loves the chase, the seductive dance
to get the girl but once he had her the thrill quickly died out along with any
interest he had in her. Me he never had
to chase, we never danced that tango because I snuck under his skin when he
wasn’t looking I got under his skin before he even saw me coming ... I was
"just a friend." Loving Typh was both the best and the worst
thing for me in turns, sometimes those turns went buy in a wink, others were
more drawn out. Yet the hardest part about all this was that they seemed to be
happy together, making plans & building a life together. While I was not, I was stagnant, trapped in
place by pain and heartache, I was the one suffering. How was that fair they were the ones who
lied, cheated, broke promises and betrayed trust. Why did they get to be happy
while I, the one betrayed, was the one suffering?!? This is what ate at me, this is what turned
me cold. I turned my back on love,
trust, the idea of happy ever after.
Don't get me wrong I didn't and don't expect love to be a fairy tale but
I did believe that someday I would do the whole marriage and possible kids
things, but after Typh I didn't believe any more. I was cynical, bitter and despairing that it
would ever be better, at least for me. I
left in part to protect myself as much as to rebuild and start fresh. I was afraid of myself and who I was allowing
myself to become. I was scared I would end
up the Other Woman, the one scorned
but still begging for his love and affection.
So I left, not only the house we had shared, but also the town .. hell
let's be honest here I moved 1/2 way across the country.
I came back to the Midwest to visit, after
being gone several months, my brother was getting married. I spent a weekend before the wedding in Iowa
visiting everyone. I spent time with
Type, he had left her it was back as it should be, I was in his arms again!! We
made plans, I started looking for jobs
in Iowa again and put a post on craigslist to sublet my apartment, the world
once again had light. ... Then 4 days later, it was darkness again. He stopped communicating, he wasn't answering
my text messages, phone calls or emails, his Skype was never logged on. NOTHING.
Just silence. I finally contacted
his old roommate / bestie from college to make sure he was still alive. Oh yes he was alive and good, he and Tess had
gotten back together you see. So there I
was, yet again slapped in the face with the stark reality that love, trust, respect are not meant for
me. Typh stayed radio silent for 4
months! During that time I came into a
lot of personal growth, but my heart did not thawed nor did my belief in love return.
Update: Those things, for me, did not return until the following summer, when I meet
Greg. He too was disillusioned with love
and romance. We shared that trait, and
spent most of the summer lamenting over it while nursing our after work drinks
walking in the park on the lake shore.
Even just as a friend, Greg brought me back to life. I had not really
noticed until I meet him how closed off, pessimistic and dead inside I had
become. It was because of Greg that I
was finally able to forgive Typh and really move on with my life.
Tomorrow:
If I could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
Sláinte,
Kat
