Suicide … an “Act of” or a “Victim of"

Suicide has been on my mind a lot recently.  Not because I feel that way myself but because it seems to be all over the place.  Kate Spade today was found dead, asphyxiated on a scarf in her New York apartment, a note left for her family.  Netflix glamorizing it with 13 Reasons Why, A-listors preaching about it in their acceptance speeches.  A shared article on facebook about wishing a best friend has reached out and just said something … anything before becoming a victim of suicide.
Don’t get me wrong.  I am glad, to an extent, that it is being talked about. 

But is it being talked about in the right way??

There have defiantly been dark times in my life, some more recent than others, when I have felt like the world would be better off without me.  Most specifically “No one would even notice if I was gone.”  I have never had any thoughts about killing myself, never made any plans or had any impulse to hurt myself.  Yet I still felt like it would be totally fine if a car swerved into my lane and drove my car off the bridge and I died.  What is scary is having that feeling everyday while driving to work across a 4 lane bridge over the Willamette.

Reading the article that was shared with me today, the writer stated that she wished her friend had said something, or even sent a text.  But I can tell you, when I have had those thoughts …. I never shared them.  It made me feel ashamed to have them, and I didn’t think that anyone would understand.  I tried once to share with someone I felt closer too than I have ever felt with anyone before, or since … and they didn’t understand.  I don’t know if they thought I was joking, over exaggerating, bluffing or just if they didn’t want to comprehend that I could have such dark thoughts.  It hurt more than anything to share what was happening to me and not have the opportunity to have an open conversation about it with someone that I was trusting enough to open up to for the first time in my life.

I think the conversation needs to be less about suicide and the victims of it, and more about the mental health issues that plague our country.  Mental Health is looked down upon and the individuals who suffer from it are judged, excluded and ostracised rather than treated with the care they need.  There is such a negative stigma that comes from having a mental health diagnosis, that most people just try to hide it, are ashamed of it, and because of that won’t seek treatment.  Or, and here is my favourite one, and just told to “get over it.”

I have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder.  There I said it, it's out there for the whole world to see … and you know what?  My own mother still tells me “You should just be over it by now.”  I have never told my mom about the thoughts on my Gray Days, just talked to her about my lack of motivation, sleep issues, loneliness and utter sadness that has no cause.  What sucks the most about all of these feelings is that I KNOW I have no reason to feel this way.  I know that I am a good person, I know that I have worth, that I am loved and cherished by my friends and family.  But you know what, when Depression rears its ugly head rational thoughts don’t make a bit of difference.  All I feel is worthlessness and pain.  When you feel that way, it never occurs to you to reach out, you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the pain.

So if you have a friend who suffers from Mental Health issues, who has at some point in their life expressed thoughts of self harm or suicide PLEASE PLEASE educate yourself about the signs and reach out regularly.  Don’t leave it up to them, because when the dark thoughts come …. asking for help is out of the question.

Sláinte,

Kat