Dear, you

Its like there is a hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be.  It seems I left a part of it with you, and as you have so suddenly & completely cut me from your life I am floundering.  You have been for years now the one I go to when I am lost and confused I don't know what to do who to talk to how to go on.  I know that sounds pathetic but in the last few years you became a staple in my life.  You were always around, in back ground click click clicking away at your keyboard.  Even after I moved you were still there, we still talked daily. Even about things I had been to scared to bring up before then. I think the distance gave me the courage to be totally open and honest, as to why you opened up I can't say. It warmed my heart that you did so, but now with out a word as to why your gone.  

Its getting a little bit easier every day to put a smile on my face.  I have almost gotten to the point where I don't reach for the phone multiple times a day to text or call you about something funny that just happened or with a question because I always valued your input & your never ending ability to use logic to talk me out of my tirades. It still seems so strange to me that although you are technically just a text or call away things aren't the same. Some nights I lay awake trying to figure out what I did wrong that drove you away. But you know what I didn't do anything wrong! You made the choice to cut me out of your life. You made the choice to not respond to my calls or text messages, so I stopped trying. I have always, and still am for now, been here for you but you obviously don't feel the need to do the same for me. I think soon I may be able to, or may need to for my own well being, delete your number from my phone so that it is no longer a constant temptation.  

Thanksgiving and Family ... what do they mean to you?

So I have been hosting Thanksgiving for my family for years.  It has been my holiday, the family has come out to Iowa to see me during that time, and I cook the whole sch-bang the night always ends with spiced (heavily) cider and beer pong.  Lately though my brothers fiance and now wife has been attempting to steal it from me.  It started about 3 years ago when we had to push back the date of my thanksgiving because she could not get off work but yet she was able to cook for everyone on Thursday before coming out to Iowa on Friday night (after work) for mine on Saturday of course they had to leave again right away on Sunday morning because she had plans back home.  Then the following year she could not make it at all with her work schedule so just my brother and mom came out on Friday night (again after work) but they all had Thursday (Thanksgiving day) dinner with Jessica first.  I was really upset this year because my mom and I had plans to do a lot of shopping and around town on Sunday, I had taken then entire weekend off to spend with my family, but Saturday afternoon Jessica was already calling and wanting to know when my brother would be home so bright and early on Sunday morning 7am early my bother loads up the truck and takes him and my mom back to Illinois because Jessica was missing him and didn't like having to sleep with out him next to her! seriously I get a whooping 30 hours with my family!!  Then this last year none of my family even bothered to come out.  My mom was telling me about how she needed to stop at my bothers for their dinner before coming out to Iowa and she wasn't sure what time she was going to leave and if she was going to bring anyone with her for the drive (she likes her  15 safety zone and that's it) so I eventually just told her not to bother coming out at all.  My youngest brother who lives in Texas drove up and surprised me but he was the only family that came to my Thanksgiving dinner that year.  This year is the first time I will not cook a Thanksgiving dinner in nearly 12 years.  I am going to Houston to spend the day with my dad and his family.  I did invite my mom, brothers and sister in law down to Texas for the holiday (since its mine and all) but of course none of them could make it.  I have finally decided to stop fighting it, if they don't want to see me that's fine I am not going to put in the effort.

Now don't get me wrong my family still means the world to me and I love them dearly but I am sick of being disappointed by them so I figure if I don't put myself out there to be let down there is less of a chance for them to hurt me. I have not seem my dad or his family in a long while as I barely saw them a the wedding last month and before that it had been years so it will be nice to catch up.'

So what about you all, what are your family holidays like? Your families?

Sláinte,

Kat

My weekend trip back to Iowa

So I spent a quick weekend back home (Yes Iowa is still HOME in my ♥).  It was great to see everyone!  It really made me realize how much I miss having so many friends close by. 

My weekend started out with an early morning trip to the airport thanks to my roommate Sam and her BF Fern.  I few out of San Antonio at 6am, landed in DesMoines at 9:15am.  Xavvov picked me up and gave me a lift back to Ames.  He dropped me off at the salon to get my hair done then he went to class.  I figured while I was in Ames I would go back to my regular salon since I was making such a big change to my hair.  It by the way turned out horrible, I totally HATE it.

After my hair appointment Xavvov picked me up again and we had lunch from the Bali, OMG have I missed Indonesian food! It was amazing. 

My good friends Lauren (whom I miss to pieces) then picked me up at 2:30pm for our epic night at the movies!! So let me give you a little back ground here.  Since the second Twilight movie [New Moon] came out Lauren and I have gone to the midnight premier and in Ames they have done them marathon style so when we went to see New Moon first we saw Twilight at 9pm followed by the New Moon midnight premier!  Lauren and I also went and saw all 3 in a row when Eclipse came out and now YES all 4 in a row. I was so excited!

The movies started at 4pm, we arrived at the theater at 2:45pm and we did not leave until a little after 2am.  We each had large satchel purses with goodies, a blanket (you know how cold the theaters get) and a book to read in between the movies.  Lauren packed all kids of snacks: Cheetos, M&M's, puppy chow even chips & queso.  I got the drinks: water and Monster, Mike n Ikes and 2 foot long Subway sandwiches.
We had such a great time.  There was a very nice couple a few rows ahead of us that we made friends with. The theater had grab bag give-a-ways and trivia games in between each movie.  Needless to say it was a great night.
I spent the following afternoon and evening visiting with other friends and getting caught up on everyone lives.  I miss having everyone so close, but it was good to see that most everyone still wanted to see me and catch up.  There were a few people who i thought would come out that didn't but those who did more than made up for it.  My last night in town we all went out to Old Chicago like old times and just spent the evening enjoying each others company.  One of my friends Adriana told me that she misses these nights  that since I left no one bothers to get everyone together any more.  I made me feel good to know that my presence had been missed.

Sláinte,

Kat

Question #15

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

A part of me wants to say "hang out with family" but that is not something that I do differently but something that my whole family does that is out of the norm as we actually enjoying spending time with one another. So I am trying to think of something that just I do that is distinctive of me.

hmmm... this is a tough one.

Mainly I think because if it is something that I do its "normal" for me and so I don't think of it as being different.

Well one thing I can think of off hand is that my body temp runs a bit hotter than most people especially at night. Xav used to say that sleeping next to me was like curling up next to a furnace. I think this is a side effect of my bad thyroid but I am not 100% sure. Due to this I tend to keep the bedroom windows open even in the winter time, if I am hot at night I can't sleep.

I also tend to do for people for the simple reason that I think it will make them happy. I don't stop to think about the effect it will have for me or the cost. Things just tend to pop into my head "oh this will make so and so happy" and so I buy it or do it. The downfall of this trait is that I tend to expect others to act in a similar manner. Do things with out being asked because it will make me/others happy with no reward for themselves and it doesn't' happen because people are primarily selfish creatures. Then I get all sad and disappointed in them for not having completed some task when in reality I never actually asked them do it I just expected them to do it on their own because I would have done it for them.

I think this is a trait that others exhibit as well but not often. Most often you see selfishness and people being just to lazy to do for others with nothing in return for them.

Until Next Time


XOXO~ Kat

Question #14

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

I believe that many really great artists are at some point in their lives considered to be mentally unstable or "insane" as it were, and sadly many are not truly appreciated until after they are gone.

In my line of work I see a lot of crazy, almost every day in fact. Yet I can say with total honesty that I have also seen some of these people create beautiful and delightful things. People with mental illness often see the world a bit differently, and they often use art as an outlet for their frustrations or as a calming balm to their otherwise hectic and troubled world. I unfortunately have never seen someone in the midst of a truly insane moment where creativity was the outlet or result, only aggression. But it is the knowledge that those moments do exist and the desire to help clients to find them is what keeps me doing what I do.

I did have an entire wall in my home in Iowa that was covered in drawings, paintings and artwork given to me by clients over the years. Some of it was wonderful, others mediocre, and yet more still were an unintelligible mash of colors and mediums but all of it was beautiful to me as it was symbol of hope and a creation of happiness that I helped to foster in these children's lives.

Sliante,

Kat

Question #13

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

This first thing that comes to mind when I read this questions is: what law? But once I stop and think again, I realize that it does not really matter. If you would break one then the answer to the question is yes, is it not. So Yes I would break the law to protect a loved one. I can't say in what situation I would deem it necessary to do so, because I have yet to be tested. But I can say I would put the well being of myself and my loved one above the law. Now I must stipulate that I am looking at this at the perspective of saving their life, as in they are being threatened in some way. I am not saying that I would for instance commit perjury and lie on the stand to get a loved one out of jail time if they had done something illegal. That is not something I would do. I can't say for certain anything else I would or would not do because as I said before I have not yet been put in a situation where it was necessary for me to have to act in an illegal manner.

Hope you are enjoying the mind bending questions as much as I am.

Sliante,

Kat

A need to vent...

Definition of Venting: A means of escape or release from confinement; an outlet: give vent to one's anger.

or to express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully. 

I know that I told you all I would spend this weekend getting caught up on my 50 questions series, but this has been on my mind and I have not been able to get around it, so I am going to let it all out, VENT, in hopes that I will walk away with a clearer mind so that I will be able to proceed with out distraction.  

I'm hurt, ANGRY, sad and miserable. Hurt because I was promised we'd always be best friends, No matter what. Promised that I would not be forgotten and that no one, not even a girlfriend would come between our friendship.  Angry because then I got shut; out totally and completely.  We went from speaking every day for nearly 5 years to nothing, nada, zilch, ZERO. I have been excommunicated, treated like I never even existed in the first place. I am sad because I lost one of the best friends I ever had, lost the one who brought clarity to my random and misshapen thoughts. But I am hurt & miserable more than anything. Seriously, more than anything. I feel defeated because I tried and was just shot down and shut out every time when in the end all I wanted was your friendship. I am happy for you, I want you to have a happy long life even if that means me not being in it, just as I hope you want the same for me. There really isn't a lot else to say, I am a bit lost with you. This isn't magically going to get better overnight, hell it's been a month now and it still hurts like it was yesterday that you stopped taking my calls. I've put myself out there only to get rejected, lied to and hurt. If it's important to you like it is to me then maybe someday you will see the light. If not, then I wish you all the best, and I mean that with my whole heart, even if it's a broken one.

 

Question #12

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Find what makes you happy because happiness in life, in the end is all that matters.  

Until Next Time

XOXO ~ Kat

Halloween .... I missed you

So Halloween, Samhain, All Hallows Eve what ever you call it is my favorite holiday. I go all out; decorate the entire house, the yard everything. And the day after I go shopping so I have more decorations for the next year! 

The Foyer

The Dinning Room

This year with the move down to Texas I did not do anything to celebrate, all my decorations are in storage at my dad's farm in Illinois.  It made me super sad.  I missed having my house all decorated, passing out candy and dressing up for my party.  

I am a wood Fairy but my wings were taken off as they were hitting people.

I hosted a Halloween party for the past 5 years back in Iowa.  I would decorate the house, make all kinds of spooky goodies to eat and have all my friends over for a fabulous time. Two years ago we even had my computer hooked up to the TV in the living room so we were able to youtube different music all night; we even all danced to the Time Warp from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

This year I didn't do anything.  I stayed home and played WoW during the day, where as if I had been in Iowa I would have been cooking and cleaning all day.  I purchased candy but no kids showed up for trick or treating which was disappointing as I live in a fairly populated neighborhood.  Halloween evening I fell asleep while watching a movie so did not even go to the neighbors Halloween party until after midnight at which point I was too lazy to dress up.  I had a costume for a Saloon Girl.  Most of the people I knew at the party were already passed out by the time I got over there so I only stayed for about an hour.  No one was in costume so I was glad that I did not dress up before going out.  All in all it was a very dissatisfying day.  It has made me miss home.  More so that I have felt since I moved and that coupled with the bestie still not talking to me made for a pretty depressed me.  

I hope you all had a good time with what ever you did for the Celebration of Samhain.

Till Next Time

XOXO - Kat

Slacking 101

So I could totally teach that class,  I am so easily off task and doing something I shouldn't be its ridiculous.  So I have been super preoccupied with in the in-game event All Hallows Eve with wow but it ends to day Soooo.... this weekend I promise to get caught up on my questions and tell you a bit about my life here in Seguin.