Living Alone

So as you may already know, I have never lived entirely on my own. I have always had roommates or lived with family.
As hard as this change has been emotionally, and completely unexpected, I have kind of enjoyed having a space that is 100% mine.
I have no one to blame for its condition besides me, if the dishes are not done that's on me, if the bed is not made that's is on me. And when I do clean up .... It stays tidy!
Poor Gunner has been struggling with the change, he too, having lived everywhere with me and has always had others around. He has been super in edge, he barks at every little sound and has even been sleeping in bed with me at night. He misses G too. He sticks to me like glue, under foot at all times, even lying right out side the shower to the point where I have to climb over him to get out.
I haven't gone out much, been hibernating. I have rearranged the house a bit. Moved couches around in the living room, and the elliptical. Told my self I was going to start using it regularly since it has a clear view to the TV now ... That hasn't happened.
I also changed my room around completely. I took G's desk apart and moved mine near the door, it kind of extends the hallway and now you can't see my bed from the hallway. Figured it would be a little more privacy once I do find someone new to move in. I then moved my bed under the windows and into the frame that G left behind, so I have a head and foot board now ... Maybe my pillows will stop falling off the bed.
It was a lot of work alone. And a TON if cleaning, there was at least 10lbs if dog hair under the bed when I moved it.
It's been cathartic to have it feel a little less "our" home and is now just a house I reside in. Yet at the same time heartbreaking. When he first left and I thought I would have to move as well, well that's still not totally out of the picture, I looked around and realized that we had/have a lot of stuff. You accumulate a lot in 4+ years. It was completely disheartening to realize I would have to move it all, and possibly soon.
As nice as it has been only being responsible for myself I am lonely and I mourn for the life we were building together that he so easily turned his back on.
How do you guys handle trying to move in and rebuild your life after heart break??

I have been handling ... or not handling it as it were, by binge watching a lot of Netflix.  Gilmore Girls at the moment and purging, both my mind into my journal and the house.  I have taken 2 large boxes to goodwill already and I am only just getting started. 

It is a liberating experience to live alone, even as my heart continues to break apart each day.

Slàinte,
Kat

This time Last Year.

It is truely amazing to me the difference a year can make, 365 day, 8760 hours.  This time last year I was in Texas, trying (unseccessfully I might add) to help my dad get his health in order.  I had just moved into his townhouse, although I had been down there for over week already.  Being there, was terifying, I thought I was going to loose him and the wrost part was that he didn’t seem to care.   The hardest part was that I had no one to talk to about it, no one to support me.  I was down there all alone.

Now a year later, dad’s health is somewhat better but he is still not following his doctors orders and because of it someday we will lose him, sooner than would be necssary.  The scariest part is I fear that I will lose him before he will ever see me married, or with kids.  My kids, if and when I have them, will never have the opportunity to meet their Opa.  It is heartbreaking. 

It is the night before Halloween, and before last year it would have been getting ready for one of my most favorite days of the year.  Last year was the first time in my 32 years that I had not dressed up for Halloween.  It was depressing.  This year I have had no motivation to get ready, Greg brough up my decor on October 1st for me.  I didn’t even start to put things up until last week, and I only 1/2 assed it, my hear was not in it.  I don’t have a costume again this year as I have not been able to work up the excitement or motivation for it.  I was so sad last year to not be at home dressing up and hosting a party, this year I just want to stay in bed and not deal with anyone.  What happened to the girl who loved this day?  Who looked forward to it all year round?

Where is my joy?

Slàinte,

Kat

New Recipe!! Broccoli, Cauliflower Cheddar Potatoes.

So I as menu planning goes, this is the best I have done so far.  I sat down, using recipes that I like and some that I have been wanting to try along with shopping out of our pantry/freezer and completed a dinner menu through December 4th!!!  I can’t believe it myself, but I am super stoked about it.  NOW if I can just stick to it.  I did leave a few days here and there for nights out/lazy days. 

I have asked Greg to get in on this with me and at least once a week I want us to cook a totally new recipe!  So far so good, this week we made honey ginger shrimp (recipe post to come). wink wink

Today for lunch I made the cheddar potatoes, now it was not originally on my menu plan but when I was getting potatoes ready for dinner on Wednesday I realized that a lot of them were starting to go bad and needed to be used sooner rather than later so some re-arranging had to be done.  I made some tweaks to the recipe to suit what I had on hand. Both the broccoli and cauliflower were left overs, and the recipe called for them to be added to twice baked potatoes.  Since some of my potatoes were going bad I cut the bad parts out and diced the rest and just mixed it all together in a cast iron skillet and baked it. 

Original Recipe:

4 medium sized baking potatoes

1 cup finely chopped broccoli florets

1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese

4tbsp milk

salt and pepper to taste

Heat oven to 400°F.  Bake the potatoes for about 50-60 minutes, or until soft.  Carefully slice each potato in half lengthwise, and scoop out the potato flesh and put in a bowl.  Leave the skins INTACT.  Put the skins on the baking sheet.  Mash the flesh until smooth, and stir in the remaining ingredients.  Add enough milk so that the mixture is soft and smooth, add salt and pepper to taste.  Scoop the filling into the potato skins and bake for another 15-20miutes. 

My Version:

3 russet potatoes (washed and chopped)

1tsp olive oil

1 cup steamed broccoli

1 cup steamed cauliflower

1/2 cup fiesta blend & mozzarella (its what I had left in the fridge)

salt, pepper and garlic powder to taste

In a large bowl I tossed the chopped potatoes with the oil so they were all coated.  I then put the potatoes into a medium cast iron skillet and baked at 400°F for about 50 minutes (I did this last night as I was on a roll and prepping meals so I then put them in the fridge overnight)  Today I put them back in the oven for a bit while I prepped the veggies, once ready I put the broccoli and cauliflower on top of the diced potatoes and put the entire thing in the oven at 350° for 15minutes to let it all heat up.  The cauliflower had a nice roasted golden brown colour to it when I pulled it out.  I added the cheese and put it back in just long enough for all the cheese to melt (5-7minutes) and then enjoyed with a dollop of greek yogurt on top!

  

Sláinte,

Kat

Drugs ... Why?

Why do people do drugs?

I am not asking to be judgmental, but maybe more physiological.  I really do not understand the need or desire on any scale, and I want to.

I have never had the urge or desire to try drugs, even when the opportunity to do has presented itself.  I have always said no and gone on with my night with out a second thought.  So I am struggling now to understand why someone would choose to do so especially regularly when it has so many down falls?

I guess in a sense I am kind of judgmental, as I see the people I am friends with, the people I care about as being better than that.  I tend to always look for best in people, so I see them as being people who have more self worth and more potential. I struggle with being able to empathize with their desire or need to indulge in illegal drugs because I personally have never had the desire, or urge to use. I don't want to come across as harsh, uncaring, rude or snobby.  That is not my intent, I just truly don't comprehend its appeal.  Especially when there are so may pitfalls related to its use, and the cost not only to ones physical and mental health but financially is so outrageous.

Working in the social services field, I can honestly say I have not seen one happy story come from drug use, and that is so prevalent so why would any sane person see it and say to themselves "yeah that sounds like fun I am going to do that"  even knowing all the bad that can and eventually will come from it?? Why?  Is the temporary "high" or "low" depending on what you are using, really that great that it is worth throwing everything else you have going on in you life aside for those few short minutes?

Am I the odd one for never having any desire to try them??  Is it just an innate curiosity with everyone and I am the broken one?

What makes a person recognize when they have gone too far?  That is it time to walk away, turn their back on the drug use and get clean?  Does that moment ever come with out first hitting rock bottom and losing everything?  What urge drives someone who has been off drugs for years to suddenly start to use again?  I understand that like alcoholism it can be a disease, but what puts you on the path to begin with?

I wish I knew more, that I understood more.  I am so naive, scared and unsure.  How do I help those who don't see that they need it?  OR those who are not ready to want it?  How do you just watch people you love and care about go down a dark and lonely path?

I feel so helpless...

Kat

The Cost of Compassion

Good evening, as many of you know I work in the social services field and we are struggling to keep strong professional DSP's (Direct Support Professionals)  The people we support are losing out, their standard of living is suffering because good people leave to find a job that pays a living wage.



As you all know I am a case manager but I am have been working an extra 20+ hours a week (since November) doing direct support because we are so short staffed right now. Times are tough right now, across the entire field, not just with in my organization .  I know that many of us are tired, from working extra shifts and sacrificing time with our own loved ones in order to move our mission forward. I know that I am.



As part of ongoing advocacy for increased wages for DSPs, ORA (Oregon Rehabilitation Association) has partnered with a local media group to put together an awesome video that spotlights the desperate need for increased wages for DSPs.  I strongly urge each of you to share this video on your social media, ask your family and friends to do the same. In addition, there is a link that you can follow to connect with your State Senator and Representative to urge them to advocate for increased dollars to go to our employees.



Slàinte,

Kat