Equal Opportunity Racist???

So growing up and living the first my first two and 1/2 decades in the Midwest has lead me to believe that I was a fairly non-racists person. Until recently that is, and I don't know how to feel about?!? I mean yes I have laughed at the jokes here and there but understood them to be simply that a joke based on stereotypes and have not judged every one I have meet based on those stereotypes but let my self come to conclusions about them as a person based on their interactions with me not the color of their skin, their height, sex, sexual preference or the language they speak. That is not to say that I have not come across those people who so obviously fit the stereotypes right off but I have never disliked a person by what they look & act like, words are simply that words with no meaning unless acted upon. Actions are what you should watch for as words can lie, actions let you see the heart of the person. So with this in mind I have (apparently blissfully) walked through life interacting with others as seemed fitting my values and the situations at hand. Then a brick was dropped on my head and I was accused multiple times of being a racist! I didn't know how to respond, this was said to me by a new friend who happens to be from Africa. Now to let you into the scenario our interactions are via the phone, texting, gaming or internet as he is in school 1/2 way across the country at this time. He continually takes statements that I say and twists them into having negative connotations. I in no way have meant them to be seen as a slur to anyone, but my question now is Am I really being demeaning and just not realizing it or are my statements being taken in the worst possible way??


Now I have put a lot of thought into this and I have come to the conclusion that I am not a racist but I do however have strong opinions and they maybe, if the person does not know me well, be taken in a negative light. I do not how ever pick on one social class, race or whatever I have them about everyone! I don't want anyone to feel left out ya know. I don't deny that some of my opinions may be biases and may are likely naive but they are simply my opinion people they are not statements of fact. Feel free to tell me why I am wrong or argue with me about your opinion as well I am totally open to that. If you happen to know a fact that would change my opinion I would love to know that as well! May of my statements that were taken so negatively were actually questions about other cultures, I was curious as to why certain people acted in such a way and asked about it. I personally don't feel that asking a question deserves labeling me as such but what do i know I am just a simple minded white girl who grew up in small town USA.

To enlighten you all here are a few of the questions & opinions I had that got me the label of racists.

• Why do college educated black people still talk to me in Ebonics? 1/2 these people most likely know the English language better than I do, why don't you use it correctly?

• Why do people wear their pants around their knees with their shoes untied? It is NOT attractive to see you grabbing your crotch as you walk to keep your pants from falling around your ankles.

• If you believe America is so much better a place to live and raise your family why do you refuse to speak our language, pay our taxes and become honest citizens? I would love, love, love to live overseas but I would never expect a country to reprint (well everything) in my language because I wanted to live there. I would learn the language of the country I was living in!

Well that is all I can think of for now. If and when I remember more I will update you all. Hope you had a good weekend, and enjoy your week!

Looking Back Volume 1: The beginning in the end!

I guess I will start at the beginning and talk about everything to see if in this process I can figure it all out.
I can't say at what point my feelings for Typh became more than that of friends, but I can say it happened long before I ever ended things with Xav. When it became obvious to me that I had a crush, okay so maybe it was a bit more than a crush on Typh, I should have ended things with Xav I know that.  But we had been together for so long and it was comfortable and safe. 
Plus I knew Typh would never be interested in me, I don't have what many would call the "ideal" body and sadly he is shallow.  Typh and I used to go to breakfast after morning shifts at work and we honestly spent most of the time talking about Xav and I. Typh is very well full of him self and was convinced he could and would figure out why Xav didn't want to/like having sex. It was the down fall of our relationship. I constantly felt rejected and undesired by him which lead to me get upset and easily triggered by things that normally would not have bothered me, or I would have addressed with out getting so angry that I blow up.  I stayed with Xav out of comfort and to hide from what I was feeling for Typh because I knew those feelings would never be reciprocated.
Eventually through these talks and our time spent together at work he became a very good friend then eventually my best friend.  I tried to hide from my feeling, I even helped Typh get a girl he was interested in a few different times truthfully.  It's not that I didn't love Xav, I did maybe still do but after a while there was no passion from him and that eventually killed us.
So now we sit at me ending things with Xav the morning after i nearly gave into desires to fool around with Typh. I ended the rendezvous before it went anywhere but the thoughts and desire to do so was still enough to have my heart break with guilt for what I did. I never told Xav what happened but when he got home that next morning I told him we needed to talk. I told him it just wasn't working for me any more, that it didn't feel like he felt the same about me/us. He agreed and that was the end. It was strange it didn't really hurt. Maybe because in my heart I knew it had been over long before that morning I was just too scared to say it out loud.

Looking back ... Where does that leave me?

Do you ever look back over life, or even a short span of it and wonder why the hell you chose the path you did?!?  I have just recently, and I didn't much like what I saw. So I am going to take some time to look back over the past 2 years in some short stories/situations and see if you all can try to help me figure out where I went so wrong and identify my thinking errors, or the other persons (although I tend to blame myself more than anyone else ... seems simpler that way)  I am hoping that by writing it all out, getting it all out, I will be able to make peace with it and move on.

** I started this post back in July so it will be a long reflection period I talk about**

Canyon Lake

So for my first weekend in Texas it has been great.  I went boating with some family that lives down here.  My cousin YaYa (my roommate) and I met up with our second cousins and spent the day on Canyon Lake.  It was beautiful and those of you who know me well know that I LOVE Love LOVE being out on the water. The water was so blue it was awesome.  I met some family I had never met before and we spent a wonderful day out on the water. 

 Here are some pictures to share my day with you all.

Such a beautiful blue

Boat Dock

Party Cove

me

The Damn

My cousin YaYa