Sometimes it is the words they say, I guess they cut deeper because they are able to slice right at your heart rather than have to ricochet around a bit first getting past your defenses.
Sometimes it is the way they say something, snide or demeaning.
But for me it is usually in what they don’t say, what they don’t fight for, or try to get me to say.
I personally close up when I am hurt, I shut down and focus all of me internally. I don’t process well, and I don’t often explain why I am hurt or even communicate that I am hurt at all unless you really know how to look. And for me it is those moments that break me. When I am hurting and you don’t notice, or do notice but then do nothing about it. I am the first to admit that I am weak in this area, deficient if you will. I expect the other person to essentially come to me and force me to confront what I am upset about (in regards to them only of course) and when they don’t I simply mark it up as one more reason why I should re-solidify my walls. One more reason to keep them at arms length, because in my mind I see it as “if they don’t care enough to fix this why should I let them in”
It is wrong of me, I know this because at the same time that I am blaming them for not making things better, I too am not actively seeking out a solution to the problem. But this is, as I have said, a weak point in me. One that I have done/do try my best to up front about so they know the challenges in being in a relationship with me. Be it long or short, romantic or friendship.
Anyway that is the end of my rant for the night. I hope this finds you all well. I tonight am not so … but tomorrow is another day, and hey hey its only a 3/4 day at work. That is definitely one reason to smile.
